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My inner child – by Blooms

This is the post excerpt.

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I feel like I’ve just done a marathon! An emotional marathon.  There is so much to heal, so much still left uncovered.

I didn’t think exploring me as a ten year old would be this exhausting. 

The psychologist chipped at my wall this morning. She did a fairly good job at making a small break considering my wall is high and pretty strong. She struck a nerve, a painful one. 


So I explored my ten year old self, shed tears and came home and found this old picture of myself. 

Why had I cried so much? We had explored a memory where I was put down as the ‘little fat kid’ by my brothers friend. It was all a bit of a brief chuckle with no after thought, but his look and words clung to me for years (along with many other memories) like Velcro. 

All those little scenarios,  that made me into the self loathing adult, the hard task master that I am today. Where daily thoughts and expectations to be more, the drowning negative self talk that I can’t do anything, that I’m not good enough, that I am still fat. 

For the past 7 years I’ve worked on physical self improvement; running, entering fun runs, doing Parkrun, eating clean foods. I lost 36 kg. I am at my ideal body weight. 

Through all the trauma of my life I’ve worked hard physically but not emotionally. Both are equally important. 

Today I’m going to be extra kind to myself, tell my inner child that everything is going to be ok and keep looking ahead. 

<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/heal/”>Heal</a&gt;

6 needles in 1 week

The first needle is actually three. Three cortisone injections directly into my right forefoot for that old runners injury. Still not healed, still ugh ..

The fourth needle was an unplanned tooth extraction yesterday, I walked away several hundred dollars poorer, nursing a paralysed deformed mouth.

The fifth was a blood test that missed the spot. The sixth was the actual blood test. Bingo!

I’ve had enough medical and dental intervention this week to last a few years, and I’m still awaiting one last appointment to get an MRI done on my knee.

My knee is hurting when I cycle. I cycled the Aussie alps and ended up with pain after 300km .. is it any wonder. The doctor thinks a meniscus tear , so the MRI will certainly check it out.

Wish me luck, I’m going insane not being able to cycle. I’m feeling really down actually. It’s been a hard few weeks for me. I miss the ability to just get on my bike and not know where I’m going to go. Finding beautiful spots and taking photos. Being able to pray and be present right in the moment.

I’m having to change the way I do things and I’m glad I get to vent here and talk to people about how hard it is when you are so passionate about something .

It’s a real struggle…

Injury and powerlessness

So the Alpine Classic 200km cycle with 4500m of climbing elevation was last Saturday.

I thought it might be a good idea to do another 120km up Mount Buffalo on Sunday.

My knee started to scream at me. It wasn’t happy and neither was I.

It’s really unlike me to listen to my body.

Oh! how I know it too well after running long distances in early 2017 not listening to my body who told me I had a painful foot. That didn’t end well with my right foot sporting 3 injuries, including 2 bursitis and 1 neuroma.. not to mention my broken heart. Running was like my elixir. And I’m still getting treatment today. It’s been 7 months since my last run.

So I started cycling in 2017.

Long hard cycles, beautiful scenery, creation of memories, snapping of breathtaking photos. My spirit full. I also seemed to be better at cycling then at running!

Injuring my knee would normally follow an optimistic response that everything is going to be ok. I’ll rest it for a week, see how it goes. But this has certainly knocked me for six. I am fearful. I’m scared it will end badly like my running.

It’s over the top and extreme to think this way , but when cycling becomes your therapy, your means to expel your thoughts, your main source of fulfilment it’s difficult.

It has definitely shown me I am powerless, that this rest may be an opportunity for other things such as writing, fixing things around the house. Or maybe it’s just an opportunity to rest.

I am all or nothing, do or die, pushing the boundaries, extreme.

There is a reason why everything happens. The best thing I can do is stay in the moment and not think too far ahead, that is where fear and the unknown lies.

Much love,

Blooms x

200km Cycle, 4 Mountain Climbs of 4500m elevation

An epic ride to start the new year.

The AUDAX Alpine Classic. I’ve completed 200km of cycling before but I’ve never achieved over 4000m of elevation.

The cycle/climb involved four mountains. Dave was on a different route to me.

Our day started at 0230am: much to our disbelief there was this huge crazy lightening storm overhead. We staggered to the car at 0300 and travelled to Bright through horizontal rain and trees flying around through fog.

The ride started at 0400. Dave managed to get both bikes assembled from the car within 7 minutes. We could see other riders lining up at the start line, chomping at the bit, illuminated by lights as I struggled to attach mine to my bike in the last minutes leading up to go time.

It was all very stressful!

We said goodbye and as we rode our bikes toward the the start line, it was already starting and we turned our opposite ways on the road into the darkness.

My ride found a large group, the rain still horizontal and lightening moved across the sky to another location.

In the darkness, the pulse of red lights from bikes in front hid the dirty spray that continuously flicked up from their wheels and into my eyes.

I had to get ahead of these cyclist and we were now climbing 18km of our first mountain – Mount Buffalo (Dingo Dell).

The climb never seemed to end in the darkness but I kept saying hi to others and met a like minded lady who made the climb less excruciating.

That climb took almost an hour and a half to reach the top.

Toward the top of that climb, my blood sugar fell and I felt ill. I realised I had only eaten two bananas so was glad to see the checkpoint that offered cereal, hot drinks, fruits and pancakes.

The Mount Buffalo sunrise was meant to be spectacular but the sky woke into shades of somber grey.

As we descended the same way we came up, my teeth chattered, my toes completely soaked and numb, my clothes sopping wet from the rain that had gratefully passed on.

The terrain was rocky, with dispersed hardy, alpine plants smart enough to survive any winter or brutal summer.

The descent was tricky with wet roads and winding curves. One local cyclist told me to take care as fallen eucalyptus leaves on the road when excreting their oil loves causing cycling accidents.

My ride took me on the flats briefly before heading up Tawonga Gap. It was kinda pretty, Australiana type flora. Another 6km of climbing, I felt ok. I was riding on my own and trying to remain right in the moment, pine trees flanked the road and reminded me of Christmas, I focused on my breathing and even felt a bit meditative.

One lady passed me on this climb. ‘I am going to catch her’was the first thing I thought.

I immediately tried but couldn’t. Instead i gave her kudos in my head. I was not competing with her today, I was only competing with myself.

Down into the Tawonga Valley, I reached another checkpoint and ate everything on offer. I was ravenous, an appetite I’ve never known before cycling.

I started my climb up Falls Creek (sounds like a leisurely cycle pathway beside a bubbling brook when it’s really a mountain climb to a great skiing area). Everyone I came across talked about this brutal climb of 30km.

The first 20km are manageable, but this mountain was unforgiving and unrelenting.

It was also the most picturesque of the three mountains. Beautiful ferns opened out under a canopy of misty snow gums that stood so tall that I couldn’t see where they ended.

I sometimes noticed other cyclists above me on the side of the mountain. These roads switched back onto itself and to a higher altitude. Did I really have to keep climbing??

By the 22km mark, the road became more unrelenting, seemingly unaware of just how much I had already climbed. Below me dropped off into a series of rolling valleys of pines and gums.

I started to get deliriously fatigued here.

I wanted to shut my eyes for a while but instead came across a bike rider who had stopped and was hunched over his bike. He had fallen from his bike and had perhaps fractured a rib and sported a gashed knee. I stayed with him for a while. This kept my mind on someone else and not my current struggles.

We made it to Falls Creek, a ski resort that is enduring a harsh summer day, more valleys of pine and a multitude of dead gum trunks from yesteryear’s devastating bushfire.

I ate more, I drank coffee, my eyes completely heavy with fatigue. I ran into Dave here at this point who was feasting and getting back on the road. He had covered some big distance quickly. He did an amazing 250km effort over some huge mountains.

The down hill of Falls creek was a relief for me, 30km of curvy descending, the roads now dry and conditions much warmer. Yay! I get cold too easily!

I realised that I again had to climb my fourth climb, that same Tawonga Gap, 7km of climbing. My legs were like lead, if they could’ve scream obscenities at me they would have. Cyclists I passed were grimacing, some walking with their bike, wincing and unable to hold a conversation through the pain.

I was thankful it was my last climb! Only 7km that took over 40 minutes to reach the crest.

It was all downhill then to the finish line. It was now after 1400hrs and a fanfare waited for us all at the finish line.

The climbing was painful and humbling.. difficulties should not be underestimated.

The views at the top and the descent, a sweet reward. Dedication pays off.

It’s so rewarding being challenged, we are capable of so much more then we even realise. All we have to do is want it more than anything and a version of it is ours.

Yes, I’ll travel as long as my bike can come too!

Hey Blooms here .. I’m excited!!

In two days I’ll be on a plane to Victoria, I’ll be jumping around in my seat and Merida, my trusty bike will be (hopefully) stowed beneath me.

Another chance to explore, photo opportunities, and one of my biggest challenges yet.

The Alpine Classic:

4am start. A 200km ride, 4 hill climbs, 3600m elevation to cycle.

A chance to test my limits a bit further. A chance to push boundaries, meet new people.

I can’t wait to post some photos, it will be a whole new environment for me, away from the care free tropics where everything is alive, the air is thick with humidity and the sweat profuse.

Take care,

Much love

Blooms x

Cycling is my therapy

Hey Blooms here,

It’s been a hard weekend for me, my mood has been low and today even lower.

There is so much self hate festering inside of me, I’m just glad that today I’m aware of this. I’m aware of my behaviour and how it’s a pattern.

The self hate stemmed I believe probably from the torment as a kid. The fat kid, my brothers would jeer at me constantly, the school yard dusted me off with comments of worthlessness and lonely lunchtimes.

My first marriage at 18 only spurred that further, what the fuck have you been eating? Would be the hot topic.. I wasn’t even overweight. I was just hell bent on being thin and I dipped below 60kg and started running twice a day. I starved myself while I went to uni yet it still wasn’t enough, and in turn I also believed I wasn’t enough.

Suddenly I wanted that super models body, those long legs and flat stomach. But I was 5’6 and my legs were stocky. How would I change that?

I ended up in another relationship and over the years packed weight on, abusing my body with cigarettes, bad food and alcohol was subconsciously the result of hating myself.

Today I know I can’t change what god gave me; my solid legs help me climb mountains on the bicycle, they give me power to ride faster, my vessel carries me and I know i should honour that.

‘I am enough’, I have to say that. Even when I don’t believe it.

I’m learning acceptance, I’m growing, I’m intuitively forgiving myself and others. It’s a process. Today I feel down, and that’s ok. I’m safe. I plan to go for a spin, cycling is my elixir.

Cycling is my therapy.

Wahoo Kickr

The wet season means I get time indoors with Malvern, zwifting, while watching a movie. Yay! Started off with a group ride, got dropped after 15km lol. Bunch of dudes probably half my age 😂🤪🤸‍♀️ not sure how I got a QOM. Might have been the thriller I was watching. Blooms Jnr got this pic right at the beginning. The end pic would’ve been messy! On another note I am feeling accomplished by the writing I got achieved today . Yay day

writing #malvernstar #strava #zwift #cycling #cyclist #blooms