I feel like I’ve just done a marathon! An emotional marathon. There is so much to heal, so much still left uncovered.
I didn’t think exploring me as a ten year old would be this exhausting.
The psychologist chipped at my wall this morning. She did a fairly good job at making a small break considering my wall is high and pretty strong. She struck a nerve, a painful one.
Why had I cried so much? We had explored a memory where I was put down as the ‘little fat kid’ by my brothers friend. It was all a bit of a brief chuckle with no after thought, but his look and words clung to me for years (along with many other memories) like Velcro.
All those little scenarios, that made me into the self loathing adult, the hard task master that I am today. Where daily thoughts and expectations to be more, the drowning negative self talk that I can’t do anything, that I’m not good enough, that I am still fat.
For the past 7 years I’ve worked on physical self improvement; running, entering fun runs, doing Parkrun, eating clean foods. I lost 36 kg. I am at my ideal body weight.
Through all the trauma of my life I’ve worked hard physically but not emotionally. Both are equally important.
Today I’m going to be extra kind to myself, tell my inner child that everything is going to be ok and keep looking ahead.