Not sure if anyone can relate but I'm an extremist, I think about how wonderful life is one day and the next just how dismal it is and what the fuck am I doing here?
As an extremis, it is nothing for me to cycle 100km in one morning, do a 200km race over a day when I've just started riding a bike in the last few months.
It's nothing for me to be 105kg, eating myself silly, to be smoking a pack of cigarettes a day or giving it all up completely, to being thin.
All or nothing.
My moods are comparable to a high and low tide. I get these ideas in my head, I get excited, then I rip them down, hate on myself and my mood depresses. I'm so powerless over these moods. I'm powerless to stop the change in my head space and all I can do — day in and day out is try to ride it out .. without sitting in the festering filth of self pity.
I use to drink heavily when I had a low mood. It use to numb me and make me stop feeling pain until I could black out. Or I would get into online gaming, anything for escapism. To take me away from the struggle in my head. Or both.
Escapism only hurt me, it hindered me and made me feel worse, more pathetic. It worked only briefly , the problem was still there ready to rear its ugly head usually worse then before.
My whole behaviour patterns are now under scrutiny. I see a psychologist for trauma related incidents, I now sit with my feelings and guess what, the shitty feelings pass. Everything changes, my emotions are fluid and always evolving.
I am what I think, I don't want emotions to rule me, but somehow they still do. I have a few things that I use that really help me..
1. Have a comfort spot I can go to when I'm feeling down. Mine is my bed. It's warm, it's private and I feel safe here.
2. Exercise, as much as I'm extreme with this it all helps. Today I swam and I got out of the water and felt the sun on my skin. I felt uncomfortable as I hate exposing my body but once I had my towel around me I felt safe and able to relax in the sunshine.
3. Pause and then sleep: I hate it when I feel like shit. I use to make some poor decisions on impulse when my mood was low. Now I hit the pause button.. it's hard sometimes. I pause then I rest if I can, I try and sleep. If I can't I just give myself some time.
4. Eat. Food helps keep me sane and on a level playing field.. especially good food. It all sounds simple and I know all these things already but oh my does it help so much! Yes!
5. Give myself a break: it's ok to feel .. it's ok to be me, to have a bad day. I am my own worst enemy, a hard task master. Give it a break!
If you happen to read this, I hope it somehow helps as much as it helped me to write it.
Just for today I'm ok, I'm safe and I'm loved.